Studies have shown that people are selective when it comes to recording what really happens to and around them. No matter how strongly you feel you have the true picture, you are probably wrong. You can’t know the reason for anyone’s behavior.
To complicate matters further, sometimes we are actively dishonest about the reasons for our behavior. A classic example comes from a Japanese professor.
He claimed he wanted to spend more time with his family, but he was too busy at work. When I asked a few questions and elicited some details about his daily activity, it was clear that he wasted a lot of time at work. He chose to stay late at the university, socialize with his colleagues during the evenings, and then appear macho by having it known that he went home later than everyone else while receiving sympathy for not being able to spend more time with his family. Clearly he had made a choice, and being too busy at work was, of course, bullshit as a reason. This was immediately obvious to everyone in the workshop, yet it took me a full half hour to get a glimmer of recognition out of him.
Things happen; we do things, and others do things. If you like what happens, keep doing what you are doing and hope it keeps working well. If you do not like what happens, do it differently next time. Reasons get in the way of this simple pragmatic approach.
We are far better off without reasons. They provide people with excuses to keep behaving dysfunctionally. The world would be a much better place without reasons, right?
Okay, yes, not having reasons would lead to a strange existence. Without reasons, you would look like an unreasonable person to everyone else. So where does this leave us?
I have a twofold approach to the problem: one for the external persona, and one for the internal self. Externally you use reasons in everyday conversation when you need to, and thus appear to be perfectly normal and reasonable. Internally you look at the reasons your external self offers, and question each of them. The internal self also looks at the reasons given by the people you are interacting with. Simply by noticing how reasons are used, you can gain insight into your own behavior and your relationships with others.
This approach works well to change your own actions.
It can’t be used to change others, however! It is not your job to tell anyone else her reasons are bullshit unless she is actively seeking your advice (like taking your class or, say, reading your book); doing this would make you a pretty unlikable person pretty quickly. The best way to fix the world is to fix yourself.
Make a pact with yourself to not use reasons unless you have to. This is actually an incredibly empowering position to come from. Be confident enough in your actions not to need to explain yourself. Trust yourself and act.
To complicate matters further, sometimes we are actively dishonest about the reasons for our behavior. A classic example comes from a Japanese professor.
He claimed he wanted to spend more time with his family, but he was too busy at work. When I asked a few questions and elicited some details about his daily activity, it was clear that he wasted a lot of time at work. He chose to stay late at the university, socialize with his colleagues during the evenings, and then appear macho by having it known that he went home later than everyone else while receiving sympathy for not being able to spend more time with his family. Clearly he had made a choice, and being too busy at work was, of course, bullshit as a reason. This was immediately obvious to everyone in the workshop, yet it took me a full half hour to get a glimmer of recognition out of him.Things happen; we do things, and others do things. If you like what happens, keep doing what you are doing and hope it keeps working well. If you do not like what happens, do it differently next time. Reasons get in the way of this simple pragmatic approach.
We are far better off without reasons. They provide people with excuses to keep behaving dysfunctionally. The world would be a much better place without reasons, right?
Okay, yes, not having reasons would lead to a strange existence. Without reasons, you would look like an unreasonable person to everyone else. So where does this leave us?
I have a twofold approach to the problem: one for the external persona, and one for the internal self. Externally you use reasons in everyday conversation when you need to, and thus appear to be perfectly normal and reasonable. Internally you look at the reasons your external self offers, and question each of them. The internal self also looks at the reasons given by the people you are interacting with. Simply by noticing how reasons are used, you can gain insight into your own behavior and your relationships with others.
This approach works well to change your own actions.
Make a pact with yourself to not use reasons unless you have to. This is actually an incredibly empowering position to come from. Be confident enough in your actions not to need to explain yourself. Trust yourself and act.
"Actions speak louder than reasons.
Don't give reasons unless you have to!"
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