In life we will often find ourselves playing the game of right and wrong. The rules seem quite simple: I win if I am right—and you are wrong.
I once had a heated disagreement with my wife, Ruth, about something silly just as I was leaving to walk over to my friend Doug’s house. As I was walking, I was consumed with thoughts of how right I was and how wrong she was. She was worse than wrong. She was downright pigheaded and stupid about it. I was consumed by such thoughts for about two blocks. And then I looked up.
It was a beautiful clear winter day, and the bare trees had a fantastic presence. I was awestruck. I felt a surge of wonderment and joy. Still consumed by my feelings about the argument, I shook my head and descended back into my self-righteous annoyance. I put my head down and kept walking and thinking about how stupid she was being. Then I looked up again, allowed myself to experience the wonderment, and again shut it down. I couldn’t seem to let my feelings go.
Finally enlightenment came. By continuing to play my solitaire hand of right and wrong, I was being downright pigheaded and stupid. The world was offering me a magic moment, and I was turning it down. With that realization I was able to laugh at my stupidity and enjoy the moment. I arrived at Doug’s house in a euphoric state. That incident took place over twenty years ago. I have no memory of what the argument was about, and each winter I again feel the wonder of that experience when I look up at the bare trees.
This whole situation is kind of like gambling in a card room. The room gets its percent off the top the minute you start to play each hand—it’s how it makes its money. Clearly, regardless of whether you win or lose specific hands, at the end of the night the players’ total worth will have been diminished—it is the price of playing. If I had continued playing the right and wrong game that day, I would have lost a peak experience, and the card room would have gotten much more from me than its usual fee.
Whenever I find myself challenged to a game of right and wrong, I stop playing. Next time you find yourself playing right and wrong, remember: You give everything in your life its meaning, so you can choose to end the game. It does not matter how right you are or how wrong they are; you lose just by playing.
SIMILARLY, YOU CAN MODIFY the way you react to experiences. One little trick is that by exaggerating your reaction, you can make the experience better. For example, if you are at a boring meeting, just tell yourself that it is the most boring meeting you have ever attended. It is in fact so boring that it is amazing. If you are depressed, do not get depressed at the idea of being depressed. Get off on it. Admire the fact that you are having this amazing depression.
It’s the opposite of wallowing; it’s allowing yourself to become amused by the terribleness of your situation. You know how some dogs are so ugly they’re cute? This is like that. Think of the metaphors a comedian would use to describe just how bad the meeting is. Write your troubles into a comedic country song. Deliver your own stand-up routine about depression.
It’s incredibly empowering to realize that you have the power to change your attitude toward anything. Do you hate washing dishes? If you think about it, there is a lot that is nice about washing dishes. Putting your hands into warm water is soothing. Rinsing and soaping can be a pleasure. And getting rid of a mess and admiring your clean kitchen is always satisfying. Try out a new attitude toward dish washing. You might just find enjoyment in it.
ONCE YOU LEARN THAT it is possible to change your habits and develop new attitudes about things, you have a new tool to use in both your professional and your personal life. For most people it is probably easier to change their attitude toward dishwashing than their attitude toward depression. Yet if you start with the small stuff, you will find it easier to tackle the harder stuff in life.
I once had a heated disagreement with my wife, Ruth, about something silly just as I was leaving to walk over to my friend Doug’s house. As I was walking, I was consumed with thoughts of how right I was and how wrong she was. She was worse than wrong. She was downright pigheaded and stupid about it. I was consumed by such thoughts for about two blocks. And then I looked up.
Finally enlightenment came. By continuing to play my solitaire hand of right and wrong, I was being downright pigheaded and stupid. The world was offering me a magic moment, and I was turning it down. With that realization I was able to laugh at my stupidity and enjoy the moment. I arrived at Doug’s house in a euphoric state. That incident took place over twenty years ago. I have no memory of what the argument was about, and each winter I again feel the wonder of that experience when I look up at the bare trees.
This whole situation is kind of like gambling in a card room. The room gets its percent off the top the minute you start to play each hand—it’s how it makes its money. Clearly, regardless of whether you win or lose specific hands, at the end of the night the players’ total worth will have been diminished—it is the price of playing. If I had continued playing the right and wrong game that day, I would have lost a peak experience, and the card room would have gotten much more from me than its usual fee.
Whenever I find myself challenged to a game of right and wrong, I stop playing. Next time you find yourself playing right and wrong, remember: You give everything in your life its meaning, so you can choose to end the game. It does not matter how right you are or how wrong they are; you lose just by playing.
SIMILARLY, YOU CAN MODIFY the way you react to experiences. One little trick is that by exaggerating your reaction, you can make the experience better. For example, if you are at a boring meeting, just tell yourself that it is the most boring meeting you have ever attended. It is in fact so boring that it is amazing. If you are depressed, do not get depressed at the idea of being depressed. Get off on it. Admire the fact that you are having this amazing depression.
It’s the opposite of wallowing; it’s allowing yourself to become amused by the terribleness of your situation. You know how some dogs are so ugly they’re cute? This is like that. Think of the metaphors a comedian would use to describe just how bad the meeting is. Write your troubles into a comedic country song. Deliver your own stand-up routine about depression.
It’s incredibly empowering to realize that you have the power to change your attitude toward anything. Do you hate washing dishes? If you think about it, there is a lot that is nice about washing dishes. Putting your hands into warm water is soothing. Rinsing and soaping can be a pleasure. And getting rid of a mess and admiring your clean kitchen is always satisfying. Try out a new attitude toward dish washing. You might just find enjoyment in it.
ONCE YOU LEARN THAT it is possible to change your habits and develop new attitudes about things, you have a new tool to use in both your professional and your personal life. For most people it is probably easier to change their attitude toward dishwashing than their attitude toward depression. Yet if you start with the small stuff, you will find it easier to tackle the harder stuff in life.
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